I have been trying to come up with something profound to say about our fears this whole week. But some how I just go blank whenever I try to think about it and around Wednesday it just hit me – a real ha-ha! moment while on commute to work in an over loaded taxi cab trying to balance all 30 pounds of my son, 138 pounds of me and two huge bags simultaneously – what really are my fears???
I now dedicate this blog to trying to put words to my fears, to uncover what my greatest fears are and to try to find a way to accept that.
The first thing that came to mind when this thought occurred was my son and my initial thought was that I fear he would grow up to be someone I am not proud of and then almost immediately I realised that’s not entirely true. I would be proud of my son regardless of his personal choices and lifestyle, even if its something I don’t support or like. I would be proud of my son because of his values, how he treats people, his regard for the value of a human life regardless of the status or position of the person.
Then I stopped on that train of thought and began to think well, maybe that’s not really what I fear. But instead what I fear is that he grows up and he is not happy with his life. I want for him to be happy and not feel responsible for anything or anyone -well, not stressed over anything and then I thought, maybe when he get’s married and have kids then he can start being responsible but for now I would be fine if he didn’t want to be responsible not even for me.
I just sank because in all this thinking I started to realise I don’t know what I feared the most.
On Thursday night, my mom, little sister and I decided to watch a movie and we watched The Faults in Our Stars. This just re-opened my thoughts on my fears again and even as I write this I am crying because it was not just for my son any more. My thoughts immediately turned to my aunt who was recently diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and is now undergoing chemo and I cried because I realised my mother is watching her sister die and my cousin, one of my best friends, is watching his mother die and….. I cant stop it.
Then my thoughts turned to my own child and my health situation and even though I am not terminally ill or even remotely sick, there is a good chance within a few years that will change- drastically and I dread having to leave him so young and so innocent. I fear not being there for my child. And not in the overprotective, smothering way- I fear missing him grow up, first day at school, his first crush, his wedding, his children……. I fear not being apart of something I know is just God’s gift to me- I fear not being in his life.
And yes you may ask “so what about before he was born did you not have any fears then?” I don’t know how to answer that question honestly, because that’s a part of me I don’t think I am ready to share yet.
Until Next Time……